


It Felt Important

by bonafied



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: But anderperry is endgame, I promise, M/M, Slow Burn, not entirely sure what I'm doing with this, or where I'm going
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 07:54:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15335325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonafied/pseuds/bonafied
Summary: Several events that end up directly— and indirectly— with Neil and Todd pursuing one another.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> found a bit of this in my drafts and polished it up. More chapters to come!

        Todd was so in love he could hardly stand it.

        So many people have made a similar claim so many times before, but this was different. This love was different, because it was his.

        It was a constant by then; Todd loved Neil with all his nervous heart and he had every right and reason to. Nothing could’ve stopped him from loving him, and he was fine with that.

        Despite the great, oceanic waves of passion inside him (or perhaps because of), Todd hadn’t told him. That part was tricky, that part was complicated. That part made his whole thought process stutter.

        How were people able to profess their love as openly as they did? Where was the embarrassment, the fear? It was a slap in the face when Todd realized that the fear was heavy in everybody’s chest when it came to love, and that they just pursued it anyway. He wasn’t a brave person, that just wasn’t who he was. Todd was shy, Todd was cautious, and Todd was pining. 

        Neil was just the character to pine for in Todd’s eyes. Kind face, gentle smile, raucous laughter and a soul that burned brighter than any star. And like a star, he seemed so out of reach.

        However, he didn’t feel so far away as he sat on Todd’s bed, having invited himself on it an hour or so ago. They were sitting together, back to back, both reading their respective textbooks, or pretending to at the very least. Nothing about that was unusual; Todd just had a hard time with getting used to being close to someone, especially someone he cared so deeply for.

        He pondered why he’d grown as attached to him as he had. In the beginning, it might have been for the sake of having at least one friend in the entire school. As time passed, Todd had made more friends (albeit through Neil), then found his feelings towards Neil hadn’t gone away. In fact, he only liked him more. As the story goes, the like turned to love, etc., etc.

        Neil heaved a great sigh, which made Todd try to look over at him without straining his neck. That didn’t work out, but he did get to see a rather despondent roommate of his.

        “I’m so bad at math,” he said, shutting his book with a sense of finality. 

        “You kind of need it if you’re gonna be a doctor,” came Todd’s reply.

        “I’m not going to be a doctor, and you don’t need to know trigonometry for acting.” He sounded tetchy, and Todd knew he’d hit a nerve. It wasn’t as if Todd didn’t believe that Neil had it in him to pursue his dream, but he sure as hell was worried about what Mr. Perry might say. Based on what Neil told him and his general attitude towards his father, he seemed like his mind was on one track.

        Todd chose not to bring that up, though. It wouldn’t have done any good.

        “Okay, but you’ll need it to get out of Welton,” Todd countered. Neil appeared to be defeated by that. If he got kicked out due to failing a class, he’d never hear the end of it from his father, and he’d never hear from his friends. 

        “I guess. I’m just glad I have a roommate to force me to work.”

        Todd could see his smile without looking. The kind where Neil was expecting a strong response, knowing that what he’d just said would invoke one. It came. 

        “I don’t force you to do anything!” Todd wasn’t mad; he worried that’s how Neil really saw him. A stiff, like Cameron had said at the beginning of the year. Someone who cares more about someone following the rules than following their heart, someone that was irritable and in turn irritated everybody else, someone who-

        Neil laughed and turned around, patting Todd’s shoulder reassuringly.

        “I know, I know. You worry too much about that stuff,” he said, making Todd’s face go red. He just wanted Neil to like him, to actually want to be friends. Todd didn’t want to be dealt with, he wanted to have Neil be happy with him. 

        “What stuff?” But he already knew what Neil was referencing. Neil could be perceptive when he wanted to be, and downright blissfully ignorant when he didn't try not to be. 

        “You know.” So Neil knew that Todd knew that  _ he _ knew. Todd could feel the beginning of a headache. 

        Neil pushed further against Todd, leaning back so he was deliberately putting pressure between them. He relaxed once more after finding a position he liked, which so happened to have his stomach pressed on Todd's back, arms around his shoulders. 

        He really didn't have to do the things he did. 

        “Can I help you?” Todd asked, and Neil laughed because he knew he was being silly. He had to know, surely. 

        “Mr. Anderson, I am perfectly content.” And even though Todd knew that Neil was just another student, another child only barely starting to live, he could've sworn that he was something else. A simple human being should not have had the power to make him feel the way he did. 

        “If you say so.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate this chapter dhflsaflkdfj

Another Dead Poets meeting, a night colder than most, and laughter filling the cave. Out of all the things that Neil had done for him, Todd owed him everything for dragging him into this society. 

 

“I have a poem to share,” Neil announced, and was met with the rest of the group looking over to him. In his hands he held a sheet of notebook paper, and on his face he had a semi-restrained smile. 

 

“Do share!” Charlie said— no, implored! “I beseech you!”

 

“You only know that word because Keating said it today,” Cameron said pointedly, checking for Charlie's reaction. 

 

“I know a lot of other words I'd like to use on you, Dick.”

 

“Don't call me that!”

 

“Guys, guys,” Pitts interrupted, amusement in his tone. “Let's hear the poem, okay?”

 

A dirty look was exchanged between two choice members before everyone cooled down into a respectful quiet. 

 

“Thank you,” Neil said. “This one's called ‘Starting Off’.” With that, he began to speak. 

 

“I see them pass by

Always one step ahead

And I think to myself 

How do they walk like they know where to go?

I accept that I don't understand 

 

Even when I run 

My feet won't carry me

I don't reach anywhere 

Yet I still run in hopes of finding it

Though I don't yet know just what it is

 

I feel myself trip

When I fall to the floor

Part of me relaxes

While the rest of me shudders to a stop

The pieces that matter are awake

 

If I run forever, there's nothing to run for

I want to slow down sometime 

Look around me and say to myself:

My travels were well worth the troubles

 

So I keep going 

Fast as I always have

Maybe even faster

Because nowadays it seems I can see

Where I will be the rest of my life.” 

 

The sound of the poets’ clapping emanated throughout the cave, and Neil bowed like everyone expected him to. 

 

“Thank you,” he said, but sat down again with little else to say. Todd felt cold sitting next to him. 

 

“That was nice,” Todd tried; Neil looked like he wasn't entirely there. Absent. “Neil?”

 

Neil turned to face him, the light of the fire making his eyes glow in contradiction to his distant visage. 

“Well, see,” Neil began, but was drowned out by the raucous laughter of the rest of the group. He laughed along too, even if it wasn't for the same reason. “Nevermind.” 

 

Todd wasn't exactly satisfied with that, yet he didn't push him any further. The smile had returned to Neil's face anyway, and that was good enough. 

* * *

 

Todd was still thinking about Neil's poem as they both got ready for bed. As much as he should have been trying to get what little sleep he could salvage from staying up in the cave, he found himself asking for more detail. 

 

“It's kinda obvious,” and Neil said this as if it were something to be ashamed of. “Metaphors were never my forte, I usually find poetry another way.”

 

“That rhymed,” Todd interjected, physically unable to resist pointing it out. His observation was rewarded with soft laughter from Neil, who was changing into pajamas. Todd was not staring as he did so, keeping excellent focus on the wall. 

 

“By God, I'm a poet after all!”

 

“No one ever doubted you were, Neil.”

 

Buttoning the last clasp of his nightshirt, Neil smiled to himself. 

 

Now that Neil was dressed, Todd could look up again without feeling like some kind of creep. He really shouldn't be looking at his friends that way, but at least it was just the one.

 

“Seriously though, wh at was it about?”

 

Neil gave Todd a look that suggested surprise, like he'd expected him to understand. 

 

“Not knowing where the hell you're going,” he said, crawling under his covers and curling up. 

 

Todd noticed that Neil didn't have much of a problem keeping eye contact with him while  _ he  _ got dressed. Once again, he had to remind himself that Neil was no god. He sure as hell could act like one, though.

 

“It sounded a little happier in the last verse,” Todd offered, instantly feeling stupid for pointing out the obvious. He only eased up when Neil gave him a proud look.

 

“Because I've figured it out, Todd. And no one can take that away from me.” The sheer determination in his voice was enough to convince him. Why wouldn’t Neil be able to get anything and everything he wanted? 

 

Todd wished he could be the same. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll be honest in that i'm considering just abandoning this fic and moving on to another project :V

**Author's Note:**

> please comment w constructive criticism!! also i really wanna make more dps friends so my tumblr is gendergenius if you wanna hit me up :D


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